When I was a teenager, we spent every December holiday on my grandfather’s farm. Those were times of great joy and left me with treasured memories of that time of my life. It was there that I learned to love agriculture.

However, there were also a few incidents that shaped my character for the years to come. I want  to share one of those moments with you, and  I hope that it might be of use to you in your life and business.

A heated debate

One evening, the men were engaged in a fairly heated debate about whether their sons should complete two years of national service in the army or rather come to the farm to start helping full-time. One of my uncles, who had a large farming operation, had three sons. The brannas was already supporting his arguments, especially adding to the volume with which he spoke.

I listened intently, as my own national service was only a few years away. My father, the commanding officer of a commando  unit in the Free State, was present. He was a quiet man and did not drink.  I kept watching him, expecting him to step in and bring some sense to the debate. He never did.

They don’t need to know

Later that night, as we were getting ready for bed, I asked him why he didn’t correct them or help them understand the situation better. His answer was simple: “They don’t need to know.”

That was all. Later that night, lying in the dark,  I thought deeply about his words. As I grew older I began to practise what

I had learned that day on the farm. I am far more talkative than my father, and it is often difficult to stay quiet when discussions become heated during a meeting, especially when you believe you can offer one of the best solutions. But I have learned that not every hill is worth dying on.

The value of quiet observation Farley Ledgerwood wrote a brilliant article about becoming quieter as you grow older. The article is filled with practical advice for all of us. He encourages readers not to express an opinion about everything simply because they have one. Too often, people debate subjects – such as the current foot-and- mouth disease outbreak – over which they have no control or influence.

These debates create stress and headaches, and damage relationships, yet they have no effect on the outcome. When you learn to be quieter, you have time to start noticing more (or pondering more – pun intended). You listen to and understand others better, and you can assist when asked. That is what we call empathy, a rare trait among agriculturalists.

The ‘tree and forest’ principle

I want  to conclude with a saying that we developed in our family when my children were still young  and living at home. We called it the boom en bos (tree and forest) principle. If someone tells you about their tree, don’t tell them about your forest.

I rarely enter a discussion nowadays without experiencing this phenomenon. Someone shares how traumatic a car accident was for them, and almost immediately another person interrupts to describe their own accident – somehow more dramatic, more severe, and impossible to outdo.

If you doubt whether this is the right approach for you, consider the following from scripture and assimilate it into your own behaviour:

•   Proverbs 17:27 – A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding  is even-tempered.

•   Proverbs 17:28 – Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

•   Proverbs 18:2 – A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinion.

•   Proverbs 18:6 – A fool’s lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating.

•   Proverbs 18:7 – A fool’s mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul.

•   Proverbs 18:13 – He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame

Points to ponder By Jannie de Villiers